Submitted by Ray Blessman

A local watering hole in my community is part of a regional chain. The owners would bristle at the chain reference because they take great pride in the fact that each location is unique; none of the locations look alike and each management team influences the selection of draft beers they offer. They are progressive in terms of recycling, menu variety, etc. You definitely visit because of the feel, the excellent selection of fresh beer, and the fact that the menu has great and varied selections without being as thick as a 1979 Detroit phone book.

You don’t patronize them for their service, unfortunately. "Spotty" and "inconsistent" are fair assessments.
 
Having spent years focused on business operations, being an avid Food Channel watcher, and at that time the Duke on Yelp for this establishment, I have tried to figure out the root cause of the service issues. On more than one occasion I've observed the entire waitstaff and those working the host station huddled around an iPad; they appear to be using it to make decisions or maybe they're just trying to find info to help them decide what to do. They're clearly seeking direction from technology.

The thing is, it appears to me that they'd be better served by looking up from the iPad and out into the restaurant. But nobody appears to be empowered to do that. For example, when the table next to us gets seated after us, but receives their drinks before we are even acknowledged, an observant manager might step in to redirect priorities. Clearly the software on the iPad isn't tracking that info. Basic leadership appears to be lacking.

Technology can be a gamechanger, but until it is proven to be a capable replacement for human judgment, human leadership will continue to be in demand. And this works very well for me as I continue my job search.

Guest post from Ray Blessman

Over the course of my career, I have been exposed to many different hiring processes and approaches.

One organization that stands out in my mind combined a mix of traditional tactics like face-to-face interviews with more modern tactics that relied on technology. This employer was upfront about the fact that they were struggling to hire people and achieve their staffing goals despite the fact that their turnover rate was well below the industry average. 

I interviewed with this company, and they boasted about one step in their hiring process, the background check. I was provided with a link to access a portal where I was asked to enter information, and then I was told to expect a response within 48 hours. I could imagine the sales pitch made to the IT department: "This tool will reduce labor requirements, and the applicant will appreciate that he or she limits the exposure to the personal information they submit." HR was probably not consulted and unlikely to have vetted possible unintended consequences.
 
When the hiring manager explained the background check process and provided the link to me, she also told me that the tool wouldn't perform well on a tablet or a smart phone. I couldn't help but think about the impression that comment made on me, and probably more importantly the impression it would leave with Millennial and Gen Z candidates who expect phones to be the platform of choice. Would any of them want to work for a company that couldn't manage the most basic of tasks?

When I attempted to provide the information requested using the device recommended, the dates were rejected, and my session timed out. This required the company rep to resend a link to me, and I feared that I was being perceived as ‘that guy’ that doesn't get things the first time. Thanks to some help from an IT-savvy friend, I realized that a different browser could make a difference, and I was able to complete the task on the second try. But I was left wondering how many other applicants just threw in the towel and went on to the next opportunity.

And the company (especially HR) is left wondering why they can't find more qualified candidates.

Also from Ray:

• Lifeguard On Duty - Or Not

Years ago, when our kids were little, there was a single moment on a Saturday afternoon that I clearly remember. The house was busy. More than just our kids were running around inside. They were loud. They were hungry. They were thirsty. A glass of milk was spilled. I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t have time for this! I’m trying to get some volunteer work done, and it’s impossible to concentrate and focus with all of this commotion.”  My thoughts continued, “How can I get all of these children out of here so that I can help others?” And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. One of the kids had survived some traumatic situations in the past. Maybe welcoming him and giving him a little time (like enough to pour a glass of milk or even mop up a spill) was the best way for me to help others. Maybe the people who most needed my time and attention were standing right in front of me at that very moment. How did I miss it? Why wasn’t it immediately obvious? Why couldn’t I see the forest for the trees? That moment changed me. At least a little. 
 
Fast forward a few years, and I still want to help others. Since retiring, it’s been easy to find ways to continue doing most of what I enjoyed doing at work. I send my husband financial reports. I create and maintain web sites. I’m organizing everything. I’ve planned a few events. And there is no shortage of intelligent and engaging people to talk with most days (in person and online). When I left work, my only concern was that I had wanted a few more years to help younger employees realize their full potential in the workplace, and I figured that would be hard to do in retirement. But I also wanted to have more time to do other things, so I left.
 
I’m convinced that the minute you leave the work world you start to lose touch with it. Changes are occurring every day and you’re not keeping up with them because you aren’t experiencing them. But yesterday morning, after I hung up the phone following a monthly conversation with a former European colleague, and after sending a quick networking note to another young woman whose career was launched only a couple of weeks ago, I had another one of those “Ah ha” moments. I realized that I am helping others with their careers. At least a little. 
 
When I started working, my career goal was simple; show that it was possible for a woman to work full time while raising children. In hindsight it seems almost silly, and it even seemed like a modest goal at the time. The thing is, it wasn’t easy. Ever. As I stated in my Stamina blog post, the critical success factor for me was marrying the right person. My husband could not have been more supportive. My goal became his goal, and while there were many challenges, frustrations (and not just Tech Frustrations), and stories that only became funny in hindsight, we pulled it off. One day at a time. 
 
The goal sounded trivial, even in 1985. The implementation of the goal was and is anything but trivial, even in 2017.
 
Now, when we gather with friends, most of them retired, it’s the stories of the craziest and most hectic days we recall and laugh about. The daughter who cried for at least five days in a row when we picked her up from daycare. The inability to helicopter parent which resulted in my husband exclaiming, “What do you mean you have to memorize the Periodic Table of Elements by tomorrow morning?!” And the annual Halloween costume conversation which started with, “You can be any character hanging in this aisle [at Walmart].”
 
For those of you parents working and raising kids right now, I think it’s worth clearly stating that what you are doing is hard. And it’ll probably be worth it in the end. You’re showing your "village" that you value the education, upbringing, and guidance they provided. You're showing your employers that working parents can be strong contributors and leaders. You’re showing your kids that hard work is important, it isn’t always easy, and you’re giving them real opportunities to add value around the house which builds lasting self-esteem. You’re showing another generation of young parents what’s possible and hopefully helping them understand that both families and careers are worth the effort.

What you’re doing matters.  


If you're a working parent and/or young employee and think that I can help you in any way, please feel free to contact me.

​
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​With special guest William M. Timpson, Ph.D.
 
Technology enables us to learn and connect with each other in ways I never imagined as I worked toward a degree in the leading edge field of computer science “back in the day”. At that time computers were often used for complex computations, a long distance phone call was expensive, and writing letters was time consuming and provided a very slow Return on Investment. Fast forward to 2017. Almost every day I am taken aback by the wide variety of options we have to communicate instantly with almost everyone we know and even some we don't know. Facebook and other forms of social media enable us to easily keep in touch and share the most exciting (and mundane) aspects of our lives with relatives and friends that are near and far; some we may not have seen face-to-face for decades and some who may live on the other side of the world. Twitter lets us receive seemingly unfiltered messages from so many, including the President of the United States. And a plethora of news channels enable us to filter perspectives so that we can customize our impressions of world events and the attitudes of others. Most of the time I think that this is great and that it enriches our lives and improves our relationships. But sometimes it seems overwhelming, my view of the world and current events becomes skewed and distorted, and/or I am left with a feeling that “everyone” else has a life fueled by a steady stream of euphoria and joy while I’m sitting at home doing laundry … again. That can be a Tech Frustration.
 
Recently, my husband, 21-year-old son, and I watched a video about Millennials in the Workplace. It sparked a great discussion, and let’s just say that the Baby Boomer parents and Millennial son didn’t see eye-to-eye on all of the opinions shared. It was a lively conversation. And it got me thinking about relationships and how they can be enhanced or hurt because of the existence of social media, our attitudes about it, and our determination to use it carefully or treat it casually and/or carelessly. 
 
Through some Restorative Justice volunteer work, I met an interesting and inspirational guy named Dr. William Timpson. Dr. Timpson is a professor in the School of Education at Colorado State University, and he has a fascinating background that includes work in Northern Ireland, South Africa, South Korea, and Burundi. Dr. Timpson and the Restorative Justice program have taught me a lot about listening and conflict resolution. Recently I asked Dr. Timpson how he thinks technology and social media are impacting our ability to strengthen relationships and resolve conflicts. Drawing from his 2002 book, Teaching and Learning Peace (Madison, WI: Atwood), here is some of what he told me.
 
Dr. Timpson: We all know that good communication can be pivotal in defusing a volatile confrontation. It helps lower emotions and defenses so everyone can obtain better understanding and define peaceful resolution alternatives. This information draws on Tom Gordon’s (1974) Teacher Effectiveness Training to describe three sets of skills that provide an effective model for establishing good communication: 1) Deep Listening, 2) Empathetic Expressing, and 3) Consensus.

1. Deep Listening
   
   There are many forms of listening including the “light” listening you do in passing with friends or colleagues. You’ll usually engage in more “professional” listening when questions arise or a discussion unfolds. You might experience some “anxious” listening when you sit down for your annual performance review. Then there is the “ceremonial” listening amidst the pomp of a graduation exercise or the “haphazard” listening when you’re watching TV. There is also “deep” listening, the kind you do to Identify with others. 
   
   Guidelines for this deeper form of listening can help you and others when you are trying to resolve a problem.  The benefits of mastering this skill can last a lifetime. Steven Covey’s (1989) book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People describes some of these skills within a context of business. Tom Gordon’s (1974) Teacher Effectiveness Training program describes the benefits of deep listening in classrooms.
   
   Seek first to understand 
   
   Too often, our own agendas and our need to be heard make it difficult to listen deeply to someone else, to give our undivided attention. Disciplining yourself to put your own needs on hold and attend to someone else can help that person—and you—get to a better understanding about a particular problem, to see more clearly from that person’s perspective.
   
   In a small group section of a first year seminar dedicated to helping students make a successful transition from high school to college, we took quite a bit of time to discuss the experience of one of the students—let’s call her Alexa —and her experience proved to be a wonderful case study that had meaning for everyone in the class.
   
   Alexa was really frustrated by the duplication she saw in her chemistry class, between what was in the text and what was covered in lecture. “I can read,” she told us. “I don’t need to be read to, word for word.” Moreover, her entire chemistry class seemed to be in revolt, with far too many students coming in late, leaving early, talking during lecture, reading the newspaper, etc. Chaos ruled and it was ugly. In Alexa’s mind, students were being really rude, very disrespectful! When she went to her instructor to complain, she first tried to understand why all this was happening.
   
   She learned that the instructor, just out of her own graduate program, was anxious about doing well and eager to follow the advice of a senior faculty mentor who told her to stay “close to the text.” Once Alexa heard that, she understood. Instead of writing her off as incompetent, uncaring or just plain dull, Alexa could see that the instructor was trapped by poor advice and a desire to do well. What Alexa needed in class were examples that would illustrate the text and that would provide concrete and accessible references for various chemical theories and concepts. After hearing Alexa’s concerns and recommendations, the instructor thanked her for coming in to talk (and listen), promised that she would rethink her future lectures, and hoped that Alexa would come back with more feedback in the future.
   
   Help clarify thoughts and feelings 
   
   Once you understand a situation better, you then want to focus on the other person’s thoughts and feelings. You become a kind of sounding board, reflecting back what you hear and what you sense, how the other might feel. Typically, the other person will either confirm that you got it right or correct you. Either way, each of you is sharpening your understanding of the issues and underlying causes.
   
   By mirroring back in this manner, you are also conveying your desire to understand. Intentions matter! One of the greatest gifts you can give anyone is your support, assistance and undivided attention. You do care what that person thinks and feels. With this kind of interactive focus, you’re building trust, as you move toward a deeper understanding. The barriers drop away. Many of us regularly think out loud. Having someone listen carefully, in the way I am describing here, can help any of us clarify our own thoughts and feelings, move past our frustrations and toward some constructive resolution.
   
   On the emotional side, be alert to nonverbal messages and your own intuition about how the other person is feeling, how volatile or charged a particular problem is for that person. Check out your hunches. Alexa might have said to her instructor, “You seem really trapped between what you were told and what we are saying that we need.” Or “If I were in your situation, I would be really frustrated.” The chemistry instructor could have confirmed or corrected Alexa’s guesses and their mutual trust might have deepened.
   
   Minimize questioning 
   
   The problem with questioning is that it comes from you, the listener, and can take the ownership of the process away from the other person. Your questions might help you clarify something, but they may also distract the other person from going deeper, from following his or her self-reflections and insights. The primary goal should always be to help the other person clarify his or her thoughts and feelings. This is a subtle but useful distinction. It’s not an iron-clad principle but a dynamic that we should recognize.
   
   For example, you can use reflective statements instead of questions: “You seem really upset about this.” This may seem like a small point, but when you put it in question form—“Are you upset about this?”--you’ve taken over the direction of the conversation. You’re demanding a response. In contrast, reflections keep the responsibility on the other person to control the process, to clarify and decide how to move on. You want to be a supportive sounding board, not an interrogator.
   
   Keep your own opinions on hold 
   
   Finally, be cautious about “hitchhiking,” jumping into the conversation with your own experiences, opinions, etc. In casual conversations there is this natural dynamic of back and forth, give and take, often rapid and overlapping. But when you want to listen deeply or help someone embroiled in a conflict, disciplining yourself to keep the focus on the other may be the best approach. In the model we are describing here, you begin with two assumptions: first, that the other person knows best the particulars of his or her situation; and second, that it’s best to let that other person decide when to ask for advice or to hear about your experiences. Offering too much too soon can undermine that person’s self-confidence and ability to see through a problem.
   
   ​In the short run, your advice might be very helpful, but it is still your advice. In the long run, you may be a better friend, colleague or instructor by holding back your own ideas until a time when the other person has wrestled with all the issues and now is asking for your help. In the daily scheme of things, few of us function like this, so it may take some real self-discipline and feedback to get there. And time! Give it a try when you get the chance.
   
   The clearness committee 
   
   Another way to approach this process of deep listening comes from Parker Palmer (1998), a former college instructor who writes and consults about teaching, learning, philosophy and spirituality, how to get more than information across, how to address deeper needs of the heart and soul. What he describes here may seem strange, perhaps because it is so different from the ways most of us tend to communicate on a daily basis. Yet, this process bears study; in part, because it has evolved from a faith-based tradition that has always been committed to nonviolence and peace as an article of faith
   
   I have had some experience with a model for this way of being together. It comes from a branch of the Quaker community that for more than three centuries has done without the benefit of clerical leadership. In order to do work that most churches do via ordained leaders—like helping people with the issues in their lives—these Quakers had to invent social structures that would allow members to do such work with and for each other (151).
   
   Here’s how the clearness committee model can work. When a member is struggling and seeking help, four or five others are invited in to support. First, however, the member or “focus person" must do some writing or journaling about the problem. The writing should include a clear statement about the issue or conflict, the essence of the struggle; then, something about its importance in the context of that person’s life, experiences and background; and finally, some thoughts about the future, how this problem threatens to play out and what that means to him or her.
   
   The group then meets for two to three hours, sitting in a circle and giving its undivided attention to the person in need. No “rushing in to give comfort.” No sharing of experiences that might be distracting. For clearness committee members this means acting as if they “had no other purpose on earth than to care for this human being.” Committee members are “forbidden to speak to the focus person in any way except to ask that person an honest, open question.”  Time slows down during this kind of meeting. It’s not a “cross-examination.”  The focus person can pass on a particular question. Everyone allows enough time and silence to elapse so that the process is “respectful and gentle.”
   
   The ground rules are simple for committee members. They keep their own advice on hold. They do not “over-identify” and take responsibility away from the focus person; e.g., “Oh, that happened to me and I…” They refrain from offering suggestions, books or activities for example. Instead, they ask honest, open questions which can help the focus person “discover wisdom within.” As Palmer reminds us:
   
   As the process unfolds, we are reminded of a simple truth: because we cannot get inside another person’s soul, we cannot possibly know the answer to another person’s problem. Indeed, we cannot even know what exactly the problem is. I am often reminded of this fact when I serve as a member of a clearness committee. Ten minutes into the proceedings, I feel certain that I know what is wrong with the focus person and how to fix it. But after two hours of attentive listening, I am appalled at my earlier arrogance. I see now that I did not understand--and even if I did, my abstract concept of the problem is meaningless until understanding arises within the person whose problem it is (154).
   
   ​
2. Empathetic Expressing
   
   Empathetic expressing is the second set of skills that Gordon identifies in Teacher Effectiveness Training. These skills also played a part in the case of Alexa and her chemistry instructor. From Alexa’s perspective, the chemistry class bordered on a waste of time; her frustration was rising. I encouraged Alexa and others to approach their instructor with some forethought, (1) to understand the problem from the instructor’s point of view, (2) to offer a clear analysis based on their own experiences and then (3) to make a clear and responsible request. This model of “empathetic expressing” offers some structure for discussing difficult issues or conflicts with someone else. It builds on mutual understanding, empathy and trust as a foundation for effective communication.
   
   When her chemistry class met again, Alexa walked up after class and repeated what she had practiced in our small group discussion section, “Hi. You know, a lot of us are struggling in this class and some examples would really help. I like it when you explain what’s in the book. I read the material outside of class but I need help with understanding it.” The teacher smiled and said, “Sure. I can try to do that.” In subsequent classes, Alexa reported that she could see some improvements. So she went up again and told this teacher how she appreciated the effort, that it was making a difference. What a mood shift for Alexa. From being just another whiner, she took some initiative, identified her needs and frustrations, expressed some empathy and offered a solution. Her whole attitude about this class changed as well. Not that everything turned around immediately, but she did move off the negative and toward a positive, constructive and assertive approach to the problem she was having. Empathy helped her make this shift and build a better communication bridge with her instructor.
   
   Description of the problem 
   
   Empathic expressing begins with a clear description of the problem. Alexa was bored with a mere repetition of what was in the text. She usually was up-to-date for class with her readings. She needed explanations, concrete examples to make sense of the theories, concepts and principles but didn’t know how she could get the help she needed in such a large lecture class. Although it took some time in our own class and with the collective help of her classmates, we did finally get through her frustrations and identify the problem affecting her learning.
   
   I-message 
   
   The next step was to practice with language that would keep the ownership of the issue with Alexa and her experience. Instead of leading with criticism--“You know, the way you teach is boring”--we shifted to a statement of feelings: “When you just review what is in the book, I get really frustrated….” or “...I feel bored.” No one can argue with Alexa’s experience and feelings here. It’s not as if there is some objective point beyond which a class automatically becomes boring for every student. An “I-message” is more honest and personal; you have to own your own feelings, but you also understand that no one can take those feelings away or judge them as “wrong.”
   
   A reason why 
   
   The next step is to give a reason for your feelings, an explanation. The immature child will pout, “I’m bored” but have no explanation of why or idea about a solution. “Fix it, mom” or “Entertain me, dad” is the underlying message. For Alexa, giving a reason meant saying, “When you just lecture from the text, I do get bored and frustrated because I read the material already. However, I do have questions and I need some help.”
   
   Express empathy 
   
   The next step for Alexa was to show some empathy for what her instructor might be feeling. We discussed a number of possibilities. Because this was a young teacher, we thought about using the following response: “I know you must be nervous and want to stay close to the assigned readings. I know this is your very first teaching assignment.” The instructor was right out of graduate school and wanted to do well as a stepping stone to a permanent position somewhere else. She was commuting sixty plus miles each way and was largely cut off from other faculty. Moreover, she had been advised by the course coordinator to “stay close to the text.” Alexa’s attempt at empathy was right on target—the instructor was anxious—and, in return, Alexa got a better understanding about why. This instructor was a real person with real feelings.
   
   Identify a positive 
   
   Important in communication about a problem is to hold out the expectation that a solution is possible. In this case Alexa said the following: “I know the lectures can work better for me. When you gave examples or stopped to answer questions, it made a real difference. It helped me get the idea better.” Here, Alexa was providing a concrete example (herself) of something that helped.
   
   Make a clear request 
   
   Instead of simply asking this instructor to “do better,” instead of just leaving it up to her to figure out a solution, Alexa offered the following. “I would like you to add more examples in your lectures. These help a lot. I’d also like you to stop and ask for questions more often. And I’ll try to see you after class or during office hours if there is something I am still confused about.” Although it took some time to work through these steps and although the very idea of approaching an instructor in a big lecture class to say all this seemed frightening at first, taking this kind of initiative made a big difference for Alexa. She learned some important lessons about advocating for herself in a responsible and effective manner.
   
   ​
3. Consensus 
   
   Consensus is the third set of skills that Gordon identifies as critical in Teacher Effectiveness Training. An example from the world of peacemaking may help. In Savage Dreams, Rebecca Solnit (1994) traces the interconnections between the history of nuclear weapons testing and the environmental movement. She and her brother were both activists and she describes her experiences with consensus this way.
   
   [My] little brother is an anarchist, and a key organizer for the antinuclear movement, and though he was initially an anarchist in the sense that innumerable punks were in the eighties, he has read his Bakunin and Kropotkin and is now very seriously an anarchist. Anarchy, I should explain, means not the lack of order but of hierarchy, a direct and absolute democracy. Voting democracy, as anarchists point out, simply allows a majority to impose its will on a minority and is not necessarily participatory or direct. They themselves continue the process of negotiation until all participants achieve consensus, until everyone—not merely a majority—has arrived at a viable decision. Anarchy proper usually works out to mean excruciatingly interminable meetings, rather than the mayhem the word evokes in most American imaginations....I have never found the patience and tolerance necessary to work with group consensus for extended periods (12-14).
   
   Finding consensus within any group can have significant payoffs although there are associated costs of time and effort. Whether you yourself are working on a big collaborative project or participating on a committee, whether students are trying to get a study group organized or just finding common ground with a roommate, having some guidelines for navigating this kind of interpersonal terrain can help. When everyone can agree, you can get more commitment for the decisions you make. You can also get better decisions when everyone’s voice is heard and a variety of perspectives surface. You can even get more creative decisions. Admittedly, diverse viewpoints, experiences and personalities can make for a degree of tension in any process, especially if everyone is in a hurry. Consensus invariably takes more time, but there are important benefits. Here is a listing of recommended guidelines you could use in any number of situations.
   
   Define the problem 
   
   If students are meeting to form a study group, for instance, it can be useful if they begin by focusing on course requirements and what they’ll need to do—when and where to meet and for how long, what to bring and how responsibilities might be best shared. Looking over past exams can give them some additional clues.
   
   Brainstorm 
   
   It’s important to understand the benefits of brainstorming, particularly that by reserving judgment at this point in the process you can get a lot of different ideas out for discussion. Sometimes the better and more creative ideas only surface after students have worked through the more obvious ones. The key here is to generate ideas, as many as possible, without stopping to evaluate. No matter how strange these ideas may sound, students can help promote consensus by getting them all out and on their list before they start to eliminate any.
   
   For example, Chuck was another student in our first year seminar. He organized a study group for his toughest class, chemistry. Together, members of the group looked over sample test questions and realized that they really did understand the material. Instead of reserving some time each week to review their notes, they decided to meet the day before the exam for a couple of hours. In that way they would be psyched, focused and efficient. And it worked, at least for the first exam. Taking the time to think through their needs and honestly assess their motivations produced a plan that worked. They were also able to avoid some needless meetings and wasted time. There are times when peacemaking can be proactive, when conflicts are avoided through effective planning and organization.
   
   Identify consequences 
   
   This stage helps you go a bit further and think about the implications of your various choices. For Chuck and his group there was a bit of a gamble as to whether the night before would be enough. However, they did believe that scheduling study time earlier would only generate frustrations and undermine their motivation. When you aim for consensus, you take a little more time to think things through instead of impulsively latching on to whatever everyone else is doing or whatever the conventional wisdom is.
   
   Decide 
   
   At this stage groups need to make a decision. One guideline many find useful is to keep any agreements tentative, like a trial run. In that way, students can assess their success early on without being so locked in that change becomes impossible. To get some movement toward consensus, they can think of a decision as an experiment. People can often agree to that.
   
   Reevaluate and modify if necessary 
   
   When Chuck and his study group got their results from the second exam—and they didn’t do as well compared to the first exam—they rethought their plans and decided that they would need to meet earlier and more frequently for the third exam, that perhaps they had gotten a bit lucky on the first exam or had been over-confident and then slacked off too much in their note-taking and engagement in class. At any rate, they channeled their disappointment with their second exam results into a revised plan for their study time together.
   
   Additional thoughts on group consensus 
   
   It can also be helpful if everyone in a group understands and agrees to these guidelines. In this way, they can get real ownership in the process and their group’s decision. Having group members take on various roles can also help. Someone could be the recorder, for example, another the task master, another the time keeper, another the synthesizer or summarizer. The moderator’s role is the peacemaker for a group, attentive to feelings and alert to resolving any conflicts that arise. On the other hand, groups can also have everyone conscious of each of these roles and let the responsibilities for their functioning be more fluid.
   
   

​Dr. Timpson concludes: There can be no doubt that deep listening, empathetic expressing, and consensus-making provide a useful model for establishing good communications. They also establish the kind of communication skills that underlie effective efforts in peacemaking. To keep those skills in good working order, we also have to be able to understand and manage our emotions.
 
References 
Covey, S. (1989) The seven habits of highly effective people, New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.
Gordon, T. (1974) Teacher effectiveness training. New York, NY: Peter H. Whyden.
Solnit, R. (1994) Savage dreams: A journey into the landscape wars of the American West. New York, NY: Vintage.
Timpson, W. (2002) Teaching and Learning Peace, Madison, WI: Atwood.


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Recently a couple of people mentioned that conversationally I like to “throw things out there” and/or “mix it up”. The comments surprised me because I often feel like I’m holding back by raising “hot button” current event topics very selectively and only within small circles of close friends or trusted relatives. Given the gravity of many current events, I feel a desperate need to understand what others think, especially when they have a different perspective. I want to discuss and debate the issues, consider various perspectives, and test my ideas within a safe space where people understand my intentions.
 
Occasionally people will say things like "Why talk about this? None of us are going to change our minds.” But I beg to differ. I change my mind all of the time. If you take the time to educate yourself and/or engage in meaningful discussions with smart people, how can you not change your mind? If you’re not changing your mind about important issues, are you fully informed? Are you listening? Are you thinking?
 
Having raised two kids under pretty similar conditions, I’ve concluded that some people are wired to enjoy discussing controversial issues and others aren’t. Some prefer tackling issues in solitude, and others seem to avoid thinking about them at all. I get that each of us has different strengths and interests, and I suppose it's why we’re likely to find a caretaker around when we’re sick, a protector around when we’re scared, and a party planner around when it's time to celebrate. (i.e. If we're lucky.) Each of us plays a different role as we strive to hold our society together. 
 
One of the great things about social media is that it can illuminate issues and perspectives we might not encounter otherwise. Conversely, it can also wall you off from certain perspectives. If a friend posts an article, I know that issue is very important to them, and I try to read and acknowledge it. This is a great use of technology (IMHO), but one Tech Frustration that arises is that sometimes, even though I’m troubled and concerned, I literally don’t know how to help. I want to help, I’m just not sure what I can or should be doing to make things better. Thanks to technology, those of you who care so much about these issues can give me some suggestions. 
 
When it comes to the scary and hateful political rhetoric, I think we can all help to be sure that reasonable debates remain productive by striving to keep them fact-based and respectful. De-escalation is usually more productive that escalation. But there are other issues that concern me, and I am literally feeling stuck. As my friends figuratively scream about their concerns, I am listening and thinking, but the answers to these problems aren't clear to me. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm just not sure what I can do to help. You have my attention, but not my involvement. I need more guidance. Below is a list of issues that concern me, but I'm unsure about what I could be doing to help resolve them in a meaningful way.  

• Reducing gun (and other) violence
• Reducing racial injustice
• Reducing the use of religion to inflict pain on others

Ideally I'd like to help eliminate the need to work on these issues completely, but in the meantime, I want to invest some time and energy to at least help to reduce their severity. If you have ideas about how I can help, please pass them along in a comment or private email message. 

​Thank you!


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Sometimes I wonder if I’ve learned more about history from book clubs than formal education. Hopefully this means that I am a “Lifelong Learner”. When a story is linked to people, even fictional characters, it becomes so much more compelling and memorable and makes me want to learn more.
 
I just finished reading The Sympathizer by Viet Thanh Nguyen. This book about the Vietnam War (or the American War if you live in Viet Nam) made me realize how little I knew about this war. And some of what I thought I knew was wrong. Nothing, or next to nothing, about this war must have been included in my American history classes because I’m sure I was seeing some familiar words for the first time in print. These words dominated TV news in the ‘60s and ‘70s. Seeing them written down was a surprising jolt.  Additionally, I’ve never encountered more unfamiliar (English) words in a single book, it was not an easy read, and the story was often uncomfortable if not downright disturbing.  I didn’t like it much until the very end, and now I am so glad I read it. It’s one of those books that provides a perspective that I hope makes me a better person and a better citizen. It wasn’t boring or hard to understand, it’s just that I wasn’t the only person in my book club to comment about the fact that I didn’t feel compelled to pick it up most days. In order to complete it on time, I ended up creating a strict reading schedule that included frequent breaks and periodic chocolate rewards. 
 
It's also worth mentioning that I read the book instead of listening to it. Listening is my new preference because it enables me to move while making progress, my house is way cleaner when I listen, and I sleep better when I’ve moved more during the day. Some friends tell me they can’t listen because their minds wander, and I get that. It happens to me too. But I’ve learned that if I am doing something very mundane like cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, weeding, walking, or even painting a room, the time flies by, and  I am transported into the story. And whatever I’m working on turns out cleaner, neater or nicer in the end. Most recently I painted a wall … in Paris (as I listened to America’s First Daughter by Stephanie Dray and Laura Kamoie).
 
This is a very long lead in to some questions. Have you heard of archive.org? My latest reading assignment is 11/22/63 by Stephen King. I have about three months to “read” 849 pages. I’d rather listen! It’s not available via my local library audiobook sources (Hoopla and Overdrive). I’m willing to buy it via either Audible.com or Audiobooks.com, but while searching for it last night, I stumbled across a free audiobook version via Archive.org, and I also stumbled across another source of free audio books called LibriVox. Without any help, I was able to start listening to 11/22/63 on both my computer and phone, and I also downloaded the Archivist app onto my phone. With a little help from my husband this morning, I now have the Smart Audiobook app loaded onto my phone which provides a friendly interface for listening to the downloaded book. Here’s what I’m wondering; is listening this way legal? It’s a Tech Frustration because I know that just because I can do something, doesn’t necessarily mean that I should do it, and finding that answer isn’t easy. The last thing I want to do is to deny Stephen King any income he’s rightly earned. My husband did a bit of research and said the answer wasn’t immediately clear to him either. I’m also wondering if anyone has used LibriVox. I haven’t checked it out yet because I have 849 pages to read. And my kitchen is a mess. 
 
Tell me what you know!  Thanks, and happy reading.
 
P.S.  Listening to snippets of an NPR TED Radio Hour show Can Ordinary People Become Leaders? yesterday inspired me to keep blogging. It was pretty entertaining. Who knows what it will inspire you to do.

Nineteen months ago State Farm notified us that we might need to replace the 21-year-old wood shake roof on our house in order to “continue serving our insurance needs”.  The deadline provided was August of this year. In April, a roofer told us that our roof is old, but sound for now. After a few conversations with State Farm, we went in search of a new insurance provider and started by contacting an insurance brokerage claiming they are “almost always able to find the best product and the best price” for you. Imagine our concern when they reported back: You are “ineligible with our carriers” (because of the roof).
 
So, it seems we need a new roof.  The thing is, we think we want to install some solar technology at the same time, and we want to be sure we do our research first. Technology is changing fast, and we don’t want to rush into it. And having just completed some other home improvements, we were hoping to relax and enjoy the summer. Quietly. We weren’t sure it was even possible to research, decide and complete the installation in only two months, given all the relaxing we have planned.

Between the two of us, my husband and I have many years of being taught to persist, push and get creative when resolving problems. So I decided to continue the search for an insurer … at least a little longer. I started by asking my Facebook friends for advice, and the comments poured in. One friend, a local woman I have known since elementary school (when we both lived 1,267 miles from here), suggested that one of her friends, a Farmers Insurance agent, thought he could offer us a policy. Fast forward two days and we have a quote! We haven't signed anything yet, but we are hopeful we've found a solution. That is the power of social networking and is why we are fiddling on the roof today. Figuratively speaking, of course.
 
Now to start that solar research since we know our roof’s days are numbered. Hopefully we can do it from the front porch at a thoughtful and leisurely pace.
 
The topic of Tech Frustrations appears to have run its course or will have soon. So on a totally opposite note, here is a super cool web site that another friend shared with me yesterday. You may enjoy a virtual trip to the destination of your choice as you play around with it.
 
Thank you, friends! Facebook rocks and so do you.

Back in one of the Feb 2017 Tech Frustrations blogs (From Start to Finish) I mentioned that I was still mourning the loss of the SpringPad app which was discontinued about three years ago. Since no replacement app appeared visible on the horizon, I settled on using Wunderlist to replace the “To Do” list functionality within SpringPad. Begrudgingly. While the functionality is pretty good, the “look” of the app doesn’t appeal to me.  In fact I really don’t like it. And I’ve determined, right or wrong, that matters to me.  I want my phone to “spark joy” when I look at it. On the bright side, the functionality is pretty good, and my husband and I have worked into a rhythm using the shared list functionality to manage a joint list of stuff that needs to be done around the house. He said he likes the fact that I can tell him what I need him to do without talking to him. That’s probably not a very positive statement about our marriage, my communication style, or both. But I digress …
 
Imagine my surprise when a headline popped up on one of my newsfeeds recently announcing, “Microsoft to shut down Wunderlist in favor of its new app, To-Do”. I couldn’t believe it. Apparently Microsoft purchased Wunderlist when I wasn’t looking.  After expressing frustration and sentiments about my status as a victim, I decided to download and look at the To-Do app while my husband researched the acquisition terms.  Within the first few seconds of using it, I liked it. A lot. And now I love it. It’s just what I wanted in terms of good looks and basic functionality. It does lack a lot of the Wunderlist functionality I like (and sometimes even need) like the ability to create folders and the ability to share lists between people, but I’m optimistic that this functionality will be added in the future since we’re told that the Wunderlist team is creating the To-Do app. The import (from Wunderlist) feature is slick, and I’ve already transferred all of my non-shared lists over.
 
On a side note, while researching this “situation” I happened across this article about how Bill Gates didn’t let his kids get cell phones until they were 14. The thing that intrigued me most was the family photo included in the article. It seems that the richest man in the world’s family doesn’t look too much different from my own. At least when they visit the Grand Canyon. That surprised me.
 
If you want a pretty To-Do list, which I’m hopeful will become more robust soon, give Microsoft To-Do a try.

“Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams” – Boy George
 
One great thing about meeting people from all over the world is the exposure to ideas and perspectives I may have otherwise missed. Like the concept of Karma. When I learned about it (which I loosely translate as “what goes around comes around”), I started to find examples of it in my life. And sometimes frequently. One friend and co-worker told me that it’s very unusual to experience Karma in a single lifetime. If that’s true, I must be very unusual.
 
The first time I recognized Karma it hit me over the head like a two-by-four. It was back when my kids were young, and I needed to be in California at 8:00 am on a Monday morning. That meant Sunday travel. Life was crazy busy, and the loss of a weekend day felt like a sacrifice. In an attempt to get into a positive frame of mind, I tried to convince myself that the travel could be like a little vacation; I’d have time to myself in the car, on the plane, and a quiet evening to myself. It worked, and a relaxed me checked into the hotel on Sunday evening. 
 
As I entered my room, I flipped on the lights, and, wowsa, they were bright! And harsh. After inspecting the bulbs, I determined that they were those (new at the time) compact fluorescents. How was I going to have a relaxing evening in a room lit up like an operating room?! I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I called down to the front desk to ask for a room with better lighting, but the fact is I made that call. They informed me that all of the rooms had the same lighting, so I unpacked my bags and settled in. Now, every time I adjust the lighting at home, I think about that experience. My husband will tell you that there is no sneaking new bulb technology into the house. If they are not warm and inviting, I catch ‘em every time.
 
And now the Karma connection. The next evening, when I stopped at my hotel between business meetings and dinner, you can probably imagine my surprise when I walked into a dimly lit lobby only to find a long row of flashlights sitting on the front desk. Apparently there had been a power outage … and that meant, among other things, no light in my room. Having hoped to freshen up with the help of a mirror and lights, I suddenly found myself yearning for those harsh bulbs.  I think that’s Karma.
 
Fast forward about 15 years, and we find ourselves updating the lights in our kitchen. Long story short, we added LED “puck lights” in some glass-front cabinets, and they look blue and harsh. They clash with the under-cabinet lights (also LED) which are a bit warmer thanks, I now know, to their lower "color temperature". I’d been through enough of these experiences in the past to know that there was probably a solution out there, but I also knew that it might be expensive and might consume a lot of my time and take advantage of my husband’s good nature. (At this point I really wished I'd read this  Choosing the Right LED Bulbs article before selecting the lights.)
 
The good news is that, with help from many sources, the problem was solved within 24 hours! Here’s how. After realizing that the LED puck lights where so bad I’d rather leave them off permanently than ever turn them on, I remembered that when I had taken the “Underground Fort Collins” tour with my daughter’s Girl Scout troop many years ago, they showed us how they turned some sidewalk lights different colors; they simply put colored cellophane over the fluorescent light fixture that lit the lights from under the sidewalk. So I opened the flashlight app on my cell phone and turned the light to a warm (orange) color and placed the cell phone (with the flashlight app running) into the glass-front cabinet. That confirmed that the right light provided the affect I was seeking. The next morning my good-natured husband dashed to Hobby Lobby to retrieve yellow and orange cellophane wrapping. We put squares of it over the puck lights, experimented with color combinations, and as of right now think we’ll go with two layers of orange over each 2700K LED. That makes the color as warm as a campfire under a starry sky. (Notice the one unfiltered light on the left in the photo above.)
 
While this trend toward LED lights is a source of many Tech Frustrations around our house, I get that it is good for the environment and my budget and now understand a lot more about how to pick them in the future. Thanks to info gathered from the Internet, technology in my cell phone, and the patience and perseverance of my husband and dad, all’s well that ends well. And the solution only cost $6.34!
 
If you are also particular about lighting and have learned anything interesting, please share! I found the new Philips Hue lights intriguing, but am really only interested in the warm colors and a bit put off by the high price tag. I may eventually upgrade the homemade cellophane filters to correction light gel filters and found this Ikea Hack article interesting too.