With special guest William M. Timpson, Ph.D.
Technology enables us to learn and connect with each other in ways I never imagined as I worked toward a degree in the leading edge field of computer science “back in the day”. At that time computers were often used for complex computations, a long distance phone call was expensive, and writing letters was time consuming and provided a very slow Return on Investment. Fast forward to 2017. Almost every day I am taken aback by the wide variety of options we have to communicate instantly with almost everyone we know and even some we don't know. Facebook and other forms of social media enable us to easily keep in touch and share the most exciting (and mundane) aspects of our lives with relatives and friends that are near and far; some we may not have seen face-to-face for decades and some who may live on the other side of the world. Twitter lets us receive seemingly unfiltered messages from so many, including the President of the United States. And a plethora of news channels enable us to filter perspectives so that we can customize our impressions of world events and the attitudes of others. Most of the time I think that this is great and that it enriches our lives and improves our relationships. But sometimes it seems overwhelming, my view of the world and current events becomes skewed and distorted, and/or I am left with a feeling that “everyone” else has a life fueled by a steady stream of euphoria and joy while I’m sitting at home doing laundry … again. That can be a Tech Frustration. Recently, my husband, 21-year-old son, and I watched a video about Millennials in the Workplace. It sparked a great discussion, and let’s just say that the Baby Boomer parents and Millennial son didn’t see eye-to-eye on all of the opinions shared. It was a lively conversation. And it got me thinking about relationships and how they can be enhanced or hurt because of the existence of social media, our attitudes about it, and our determination to use it carefully or treat it casually and/or carelessly. Through some Restorative Justice volunteer work, I met an interesting and inspirational guy named Dr. William Timpson. Dr. Timpson is a professor in the School of Education at Colorado State University, and he has a fascinating background that includes work in Northern Ireland, South Africa, South Korea, and Burundi. Dr. Timpson and the Restorative Justice program have taught me a lot about listening and conflict resolution. Recently I asked Dr. Timpson how he thinks technology and social media are impacting our ability to strengthen relationships and resolve conflicts. Drawing from his 2002 book, Teaching and Learning Peace (Madison, WI: Atwood), here is some of what he told me. Dr. Timpson: We all know that good communication can be pivotal in defusing a volatile confrontation. It helps lower emotions and defenses so everyone can obtain better understanding and define peaceful resolution alternatives. This information draws on Tom Gordon’s (1974) Teacher Effectiveness Training to describe three sets of skills that provide an effective model for establishing good communication: 1) Deep Listening, 2) Empathetic Expressing, and 3) Consensus.
References Covey, S. (1989) The seven habits of highly effective people, New York, NY: Simon and Schuster. Gordon, T. (1974) Teacher effectiveness training. New York, NY: Peter H. Whyden. Solnit, R. (1994) Savage dreams: A journey into the landscape wars of the American West. New York, NY: Vintage. Timpson, W. (2002) Teaching and Learning Peace, Madison, WI: Atwood. Subscribe or unsubscribe to this blog.
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Recently a couple of people mentioned that conversationally I like to “throw things out there” and/or “mix it up”. The comments surprised me because I often feel like I’m holding back by raising “hot button” current event topics very selectively and only within small circles of close friends or trusted relatives. Given the gravity of many current events, I feel a desperate need to understand what others think, especially when they have a different perspective. I want to discuss and debate the issues, consider various perspectives, and test my ideas within a safe space where people understand my intentions.
Occasionally people will say things like "Why talk about this? None of us are going to change our minds.” But I beg to differ. I change my mind all of the time. If you take the time to educate yourself and/or engage in meaningful discussions with smart people, how can you not change your mind? If you’re not changing your mind about important issues, are you fully informed? Are you listening? Are you thinking? Having raised two kids under pretty similar conditions, I’ve concluded that some people are wired to enjoy discussing controversial issues and others aren’t. Some prefer tackling issues in solitude, and others seem to avoid thinking about them at all. I get that each of us has different strengths and interests, and I suppose it's why we’re likely to find a caretaker around when we’re sick, a protector around when we’re scared, and a party planner around when it's time to celebrate. (i.e. If we're lucky.) Each of us plays a different role as we strive to hold our society together. One of the great things about social media is that it can illuminate issues and perspectives we might not encounter otherwise. Conversely, it can also wall you off from certain perspectives. If a friend posts an article, I know that issue is very important to them, and I try to read and acknowledge it. This is a great use of technology (IMHO), but one Tech Frustration that arises is that sometimes, even though I’m troubled and concerned, I literally don’t know how to help. I want to help, I’m just not sure what I can or should be doing to make things better. Thanks to technology, those of you who care so much about these issues can give me some suggestions. When it comes to the scary and hateful political rhetoric, I think we can all help to be sure that reasonable debates remain productive by striving to keep them fact-based and respectful. De-escalation is usually more productive that escalation. But there are other issues that concern me, and I am literally feeling stuck. As my friends figuratively scream about their concerns, I am listening and thinking, but the answers to these problems aren't clear to me. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm just not sure what I can do to help. You have my attention, but not my involvement. I need more guidance. Below is a list of issues that concern me, but I'm unsure about what I could be doing to help resolve them in a meaningful way.
Ideally I'd like to help eliminate the need to work on these issues completely, but in the meantime, I want to invest some time and energy to at least help to reduce their severity. If you have ideas about how I can help, please pass them along in a comment or private email message. Thank you! Subscribe or unsubscribe to this blog. Nineteen months ago State Farm notified us that we might need to replace the 21-year-old wood shake roof on our house in order to “continue serving our insurance needs”. The deadline provided was August of this year. In April, a roofer told us that our roof is old, but sound for now. After a few conversations with State Farm, we went in search of a new insurance provider and started by contacting an insurance brokerage claiming they are “almost always able to find the best product and the best price” for you. Imagine our concern when they reported back: You are “ineligible with our carriers” (because of the roof).
So, it seems we need a new roof. The thing is, we think we want to install some solar technology at the same time, and we want to be sure we do our research first. Technology is changing fast, and we don’t want to rush into it. And having just completed some other home improvements, we were hoping to relax and enjoy the summer. Quietly. We weren’t sure it was even possible to research, decide and complete the installation in only two months, given all the relaxing we have planned. Between the two of us, my husband and I have many years of being taught to persist, push and get creative when resolving problems. So I decided to continue the search for an insurer … at least a little longer. I started by asking my Facebook friends for advice, and the comments poured in. One friend, a local woman I have known since elementary school (when we both lived 1,267 miles from here), suggested that one of her friends, a Farmers Insurance agent, thought he could offer us a policy. Fast forward two days and we have a quote! We haven't signed anything yet, but we are hopeful we've found a solution. That is the power of social networking and is why we are fiddling on the roof today. Figuratively speaking, of course. Now to start that solar research since we know our roof’s days are numbered. Hopefully we can do it from the front porch at a thoughtful and leisurely pace. The topic of Tech Frustrations appears to have run its course or will have soon. So on a totally opposite note, here is a super cool web site that another friend shared with me yesterday. You may enjoy a virtual trip to the destination of your choice as you play around with it. Thank you, friends! Facebook rocks and so do you. This is not a political post, although some stories have been pulled from the political spotlight. You won’t read anything controversial below, and you may learn new ways to show your friends that you respect and appreciate them. Apparently the Obama daughters attended a state dinner last year. While I’ve heard a lot of criticism of President Obama (and even his wife) over the last eight years, none of it, and I mean none of it, has been focused on their parenting skills. Either they are exemplary parents, or the people I know don't feel comfortable throwing rocks at other parents right now. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. In one article Michelle talks about her girls and explains that she and her husband “tried to normalize their lives as much as possible” while they were living in the White House. I’m guessing that she didn’t think that their attendance at a lot of State Dinners would support that objective. But apparently she did want them to have that experience … once and at the right time. Hold this thought. (Or, speaking of presidential daughters, take a break and watch this 2 min video which is just fun and funny.) While the Obamas were raising their daughters in the White House, and even before that, Donald Trump was making it clear that he likes to negotiate. I do too! My husband and kids know that my favorite negotiations result in win-win-win outcomes even though I simply promote myself as a “win-win negotiator” on LinkedIn. Few things are as rewarding as getting exactly what I want while making sure that other people get exactly what they want (or more) at the same time. Constructing mutually beneficial outcomes is a challenge I enjoy and my desire to achieve win-win outcomes is why I prefer to attend a “show” over a “big game” and why I volunteer with a Restorative Justice program instead of the Special Olympics. All are interesting and worthwhile activities, I just seek out and appreciate win-win opportunities the most. These stories provide an introduction to two of my favorite Facebook features; 1) Who should see this? and 2) Edit or delete this. I use both features most days because they make it super easy to precisely control who sees things I share via Facebook, and they let me correct and/or improve my comments if I find errors or improvement opportunities after they're posted. You may find these features valuable if A) You respect your friends’ and family’s time, B) You value the way you are perceived by other people, and/or C) You want to share your ideas in a way that will be respected by others and may even cause them to see something from a different point of view. Respect Your Friends If you think you see everything I post on Facebook, you’re wrong … and lucky :) My mom knows that I recently made her famous Hungarian Mushroom Soup for the first time, but I figured few others would want to hear about it. People who responded to my question about future political posts know what I think about the recent elections, but apparently a number of my close relatives, not to mention good friends, were very happy to be spared the experience of reading my political musings. The Facebook Who should see this? feature makes respecting people's time and interests very easy. Manage Your Brand The best collection of career advice I received came from Patty Azzarello who reminds us, “You have a Personal Brand right now whether you know it or not.” She offers lots of good advice to help you ensure that you are perceived the way you want to be perceived. The Facebook Who should see this? feature gives you a lot of control over how you are perceived. And frankly, I wish that some people would use it more often. (Because unfortunately, some things can never be unseen.) Open People’s Eyes If you start a conversation with an insult, it’s likely that your friend won't hear anything else you say. It’s even less likely that they’ll respect what you say or that you’ll be able to influence them to see something from a different perspective. If you want to change someone’s mind, you may want to start the conversation in a way that will create, not destroy, trust. This means that you need to customize your messages based on the recipient(s). The Facebook Who should see this? feature will help you do this too. Since many seem unaware of the Who should see this? and Edit or delete this features, let me show them to you. Facebook Feature: Who should see this?
Facebook Feature: Edit or delete this
This post opened with the story about the Obamas because it's a great example of people sharing information, or in that case an experience, with others (i.e. their daughters) at the right time ... for the daughters. Donald Trump and I have learned that when you are negotiating with an audience, especially when you strive for win-win or win-win-win outcomes, you need to start by establishing a level of trust ... with the audience.
When you take the time to use the Facebook Who should see this? and Edit or delete this features to share the right message with the right people at the right time you respect your friends, reinforce your image as a careful and considerate communicator, create and maintain trust, and you may even enable people see things in a new way. R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Now you know what it means to me. P.S. If you think this article is about you, you may be right, but only a little. Mostly ... it's not you, it's me. This post was inspired by many of my own experiences as well as observations gathered from too much time on Facebook. It's a jungle out there, and I'm simply striving to help you avoid a few Tech Frustrations ... and maybe a few personal frustrations too. Sometimes everything just works. And quickly too. A friend and fellow Michigan Tech alum made these really cute magnets today and posted a picture of them on a private Facebook page. Another alum suggested she should sell them via Etsy, the online marketplace for vintage and handmade goods. Four hours later the online store was set-up and taking orders. According to Facebook at least one order has already been placed.
That, my friends, is commerce in the age of the Internet! From "idea" to order in less than ten hours. Sometimes there are no Tech Frustrations and everything just works. Last night I enjoyed dinner out with a friend who is also my next door neighbor. We have a lot in common. In addition to living side by side, we worked together for over 20 years, we have sons who are the same age and went to the same schools until college, and we socialize together, just the two of us and with larger groups too. We had no trouble filling the long leisurely dinner with a wide variety of conversation topics. As I reflect upon the conversation today, I realize that it highlighted a couple of Tech Frustrations. (For those who live near us, we had dinner at a new restaurant called Locality. The quantity of food was small, but worth the price because it was so tasty. My wine was very good too. After the main course, I wasn’t even close to filled, so we pretended that we were in Italy and had a salad to close out the meal. I highly recommend this place!)
But back to our conversation that highlighted a couple of Tech Frustrations. The first, and maybe the “funniest” frustration (based on your perspective) is that we seem to be playing a running game of “telephone” thanks to our sons who are also friends. The “boys” live over a thousand miles apart now that they’re away at school and more than that some of the time since each has studied abroad. In spite of the great distance between them, they’ve been able to easily and casually communicate thanks to technology. And no matter where they’ve been in the world, they’ve been able to watch the Denver Broncos play football live while “discussing” the game with each other real-time. That’s pretty cool and fun thanks to technology, and not a frustration at all. As their mothers, we get snippets of info from them which we sometimes share with each other … and then report back to them. That’s when it can feel like a game of telephone. I’ve been chastised more than once for misunderstanding info as it goes one way or another. I think the boys probably consider these info exchanges a real frustration … probably amplified by technology. But the thing that has me really thinking about our conversation last night, is how technology is shaping each of our views of current events. To be fair, now that I’m not going to work every day, I’m interacting with far fewer people than I have in the past, and my interaction with people from outside the US is mostly (but not totally) limited to Facebook friends now. I’m relishing the quiet of home, and plan to enjoy more solitude for quite a while. And this does mean that I’m not “out there” talking with people as much. Still, I’m on Facebook chatting away most days, I watch TV sometimes, I read some news via the Internet, and I often go out to meet friends and enjoy life, so I’m not a hermit. Last night, as we spent a long time discussing the recent presidential election in the US, I was surprised to learn that my friend was not so surprised by the outcome. I, on the other hand, was totally surprised. I also mentioned the "big deal" situation at Standing Rock and learned that wasn't getting as much "play" via her networks. I was blown away by the differences in our perspectives about these two current events. We spent a fair amount of time talking about these differences and concluded that they stemmed from differences in our “virtual” worlds. Facebook really. We agreed that it wouldn’t have been possible to predict the outcome of the election if we had limited our interactions to people who live around us here in Colorado. Neither of us heard about any significant support for Trump before the election from local friends and acquaintances. We live in a dark blue county of a light blue state. We concluded that the reason that she saw it coming and I didn’t is because her virtual network is more diverse than mine, so she was exposed to way more people than I was who openly supported Trump. I saw very small pockets of support for Trump via Facebook, but nothing significant. She was exposed to more. So while we live right next door to each other, and share so many day-to-day experiences, friends and acquaintances, our virtual worlds, which provided anecdotal info, are vastly different. And that caused us to have vastly different expectations going into the election. And then there is the situation at Standing Rock. When I casually mentioned it, it didn't immediately register with her. People in my virtual world are keeping this story front and center, while it’s not as big of a conversation topic in her virtual world. Here we are, two women who live right next door to each other, who probably agree on many issues, use many of the same tools for communicating and staying plugged in, and yet we have some very different perspectives about what is going on in our country. I’ve concluded that my virtual world has given me a false sense of feeling informed. And that is a Tech Frustration. My friend suggests that maybe we need an app to measure the diversity of our virtual networks. Now there's a great idea! Let me know you think via the comments section below. Do you have any Tech Frustrations? If so, tell me about them on the Tech Frustrations web site. Subscribe or unsubscribe to this blog.
Comments are encouraged below. Do you have any Tech Frustrations? If so, tell me about them on the Tech Frustrations web site. Subscribe or unsubscribe to this blog. |
Kathy HaselmaierTechnology enthusiast. Archives
September 2019
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